Feeling conflicted…
By jensen on 4:58Have you ever seen a creation that was so wonderful, so awesome, yet so simple that your feelings of sheer joy and appreciation for the feat were tainted with pangs of jealousy and envy because you knew you should have been the one to create it? That’s exactly how I felt after seeing the Shake Weight ad for the first time. That and a little turned on…
Well today a friend passed along a link that made me feel like I was looking at the Shake Weight for the very first time again. Hell, I felt like I was looking at a thousand Shake Weights, so simply brilliant was the link. And despite my conflicted feelings (plus slight arousal), I had to share with you the Hipster Fashion Cycle.
Hipster Fashion Cycle via Flavorwire.
Who would marry a hipster anyway?
By jensen on 5:57
NO! NO. No.
A recent NYT article recounts a new trend in bachelor parties. Note the case of one former bachelor:
“[A] software developer and a dedicated gourmand, [he] flies around the world with his friends, descending on destination restaurants. Last year they went to Spain for a meal at El Bulli. [He] celebrated his bachelor party two weeks ago at Alinea in Chicago. His friends converged on the city, flying from San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York. (Bonus: Phish was playing in town, too.)
The five men had the 25-course ‘tour,’ a tasting menu that lasted late into the night and included a king crab presentation that [he] is still talking about.”
The people in this recent NYT article reek of hipster doucheyness and I will not let them destroy centuries old bachelor party traditions. I’m sorry, but it’s just offensive. I mean, a big group of guys going to a fancy restaurant, referring to themselves as “gourmands”, challenging their palettes with a 25-course tasting menu with wine pairings, raving about “crab au gratin” and humming Jermaine Stewart? Not to be un-PC but, is there anything more homoerotic than this? Thanks, but I’ll take the old-fashioned gathering of drunk guys strengthening the bonds of male-on-male friendship by sitting around, pillows on laps, watching porn. Nothing gay about that.
Food is the Attraction at Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties – NYT
Hipster Holiday
By jensen on 3:35
Not the kind of hipster holiday I was imagining...but just as annoying.
Have you noticed recently how there seems to be a holiday for just about every food item and social activity? For instance, love doughnuts? Well, you just missed National Doughnut Day, the first Friday of every June. Hamburger junkie? Hope you got your fill, as May was National Hamburger Month. Have a big vocabulary? You’ll have to wait until April 13th to show it off at the next National Scrabble Day. The ridiculous list goes on and on:
-GI Joe Day (Feb. 1) – because trying to brainwash kids into joining the army needs to be celebrated.
-International Day of Awesomeness (Mar. 10) – more than one day of awesomeness would just be too much.
-Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night (Aug. 8 ) – because when you want to trespass onto private property, declaring it with a holiday first is really the most discrete way.
-Chinese New Year (late Jan.-early Feb.) – Seriously? The new year? In February? You’re killing me.
-And one of my favorites: National Chocolate Cupcake Day (Oct. 18). That’s right, chocolate cupcakes only, bitches. Fuck you, vanilla. Suck it, strawberry. I’m flipping you the bird, red velvet.
And the only thing more ridiculous than these holidays? The hipsters who derive some perverted and pompous satisfaction from not just “celebrating” them but really from smugly reminding you what day it is. Sometimes, after being prodded for the 28th time, I just want to scream, “OF COURSE I KNOW IT’S FUCKING COOKIE MONSTER DAY! C?! What is C for?! C is for I’m going to punch you in the face.”
Why Lady Gaga is not David Bowie and therefore I hate her
By jensen on 1:11
Only one of these things makes sense to me.
I hate Lady Gaga. I hate her music. I hate her “style”. I hate her stupid name. But really, what I hate most about her, and what makes her more intolerable than any other pop artist, is the fact that she thinks she’s David Bowie.
First, and most importantly, she will never look as good in spandex leotards as Bowie. Second, why the fuck is she wearing spandex leotards? When Bowie rocked the look as Ziggy Stardust, he was telling a story centered in his album but simultaneously transcending it. Lady Gaga’s look is centered in hipster bullshit, lacking creativity, genuineness, and respect for those who are forced to look at her by mass media. Lady Gaga performs stupid pop songs whose essence and meaning can be distilled into the one or two words that make up their titles. “Bad Romance”, “Just Dance”, “Paparazzi”…groundbreaking stuff there. Even Lindsay Lohan had a song about struggling with fame. (Not that I would know from my personal musical tastes…it’s not like I have either of Lohan’s better-than-expected albums…)
What’s more, Lady Gaga’s stupid pop songs have nothing to do with her ridiculous look. Which means she’s doing it just to do it, trying to be different just to be different. And there’s nothing interesting in that kind of mindless, vapid different. Putting Coke cans in your hair doesn’t make you an artist unless you have some kind of message or meaning. Putting Coke cans in your hair because you love the fame it brings you makes you a prostitute…and not the decent, respectable, Leonardo Dicaprio in Basketball Diaries kind. She’s the bad kind, like conservative Republicans who turn out to be gay or Leonardo Dicaprio in Titanic.
It’s Hip to be Square
By jensen on 22:10You know, Asperger’s used to just be something we speculated our genius yet socially-awkward professors had. It was almost mythical, legendary…like a phoenix rising from the ashes or a pretty girl attending MIT. In our minds, if you had Asperger’s you were so uncool you had to be brilliant. And then recently I’ve been seeing Asperger’s pop up in pop culture which makes me fear the equation is changing.
First, there was the movie Adam, about a young man with Asperger’s who woos his girlfriend with his lack of social tact. Then there was this guy from Community, who is supposed to be cool for some reason but I don’t really know because I’ve only seen the show two times. And there’s this kid from Parenthood, who insists on dressing like a pirate whenever he goes out and therefore dresses like half the hipsters in LA. Um, tight pants? Frilly shirt? Bandana? Case closed.
So, what’s the deal? Are hipsters so desperate to be cool by acting uncool that they are starting to adopt a form of autism as their guiding light? From my rigorous skimming on Asperger’s in Wikipedia, there will be hipsters running around taking things too literally, lacking a sense of humor, and being less than compassionate. Basically, Kanye West. It has begun.
Does this make them frenemies?
By jensen on 19:11I know ironicallyhipster is late to the coming out party of conservative California state senator Roy Ashburn but if you’re coming here for breaking political news, you have bigger problems, my friend. Shouldn’t you be relying on more credible sources…like TMZ and the girl who makes your smoothie at the mall?
Anyway, Roy Ashburn, who has a strong record of fighting to limit the rights of the LGBT community, was recently forced to come out after being pulled over for a DUI. The real scandal for Ashburn? He had been getting his drink on at a gay hotspot. And if the anti-gay politician coming out as gay wasn’t ironic enough, Ashburn has since pledged to continue crusading against LGBT rights because, you know, that’s what he was elected to do…
And in another twist of irony, Ashburn’s constituents are seriously confused over how to react to this hipster-level absurdity. The whole “I voted for him”- “but he’s gay”- “but he hates gays” internal debate has made these Bible-Belters realize that the real enemy isn’t the gay community, it’s those damn liberals…oh and any racial minority.
Death Bear
By jensen on 0:04I’ve been worried recently that I might be slowly losing my grasp of irony and starting to cover hipster topics with sincere interest. You know, like a killer whale at Sea World that gets released back into the wild and gets eaten by a sea otter or something. Or like when you spent so much time traveling in Thailand after college that you stopped caring about the minor difference between actual women and transsexuals…
Well, imagine my relief when I read about the Death Bear in the New York Times and had no idea what the fuck was going on. Oh, sweet sweet confusion. Apparently, heartbroken hipsters having trouble coping with being dumped call some guy dressed as a bear for help. Well, I say, no thanks. I’ll stick with the old-fashioned remedy of whiskey and prostitutes. No bears needed…well, except maybe for Yogi. That bear’s got game; he just better leave that cock-block Boo Boo in the forest.
Friday Ethics Bomb
By jensen on 16:57
Moral philosopher Jeremy Bentham wants me to kill myself.
Let me drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family? Booyah. Ok, now that your mind has been efficiently blown, let me drop another:
Steady gains in the hipster population have led to an alarming development: the proliferation of hipster-mocking blogs and media. It seems like everyday, more and more anti-hipster content appears on the web. Sites like hipster puppies and Unhappy Hipsters have attracted strong followings and I’m sure they are but two of many blogs based on pirated images and over-articulate captions.
Immanuel Kant: influential thinker, insisted on looking pensive when sitting for portraits.
Anyway, the rise of these sites has alerted me to the growing influence of hipsters around the world. As their level of collective annoyance increases, more and more people find themselves 1) gagging, 2) starting reactionary blogs. The problem is, as a subset of normal culture reacts to the rise of hipster culture, at what point does the subset of normal culture become the new hipster culture and the old hipster culture become normal? And then the ethical issue becomes, if we, the hipster-mocking blog-o-sphere, are becoming the new hipsters, do we have a duty to kill ourselves? Bentham, the populist/utilitarian that he is, would probably say yes. Kant, that f-ing champion of personal autonomy? He’d probably say no. Just something to ponder over the weekend.
Damn You, Ira Glass, Damn You
By jensen on 1:34Hey Ira, I get it. You’re a hipster. It’s obvious. It’s too obvious. Let’s look at your stats: thick-rimmed glasses? Yes (you’d make a pretty sweet living impersonating “Rain Man” without them). Androgynous name? Oh yep (extra points for having an old lady’s name). Wife with an ethnic sounding name? Um, Anaheed Alani? (now I’m just kind of jealous). Champion of a dying medium? Really, public radio? (You’re killing me).
Hipster by day, idiot savant when acting normal.
But you know what? You were okay. I could deal with the squeaky voice and the unrealistic interest in the stories of everyday people. And then I listened to the Numbers episode of This American Life and you blasted off into the hipster stratosphere. In “Act 2: Paint By Numbers”, you presented the world’s most annoying song, comprised of the elements identified as unbearable by the surveyed public. The song had it all: bagpipes, a children’s choir, a holiday theme. All of this was juxtaposed with a song comprised of elements the public identified as desirable. And what was your reaction, Ira? You preferred the world’s most annoying song! In fact, you admitted to kind of liking it…
Let’s be honest, Ira. You know and I know there was no possible way you could have liked that song. It’s clear that in your desire to rule the hipsters, you felt compelled to add to your street cred by embracing the unembraceable, defying logic and decency and humanity. You had to like it because you knew you were supposed to hate it. Well, you win, Ira, you win.
Hipster Suprise
By jensen on 0:57Have you ever liked a song but the music video turned out to be hipster heaven? It’s like that time you brought your new girlfriend home to meet the family and it turns out they had already met your cousin. Or the time you saw that cute girl at the mall who turned out to be your little sister…your 13 year old little sister. Or that time you…well, you know… No, there’s nothing wrong with you. Shit happens. You just happen to have a really attractive family, no big deal. Really.
Anyway, as I was trying to say, this video has all the necessary hipster elements:
- ugly knit sweater
- ironic choreographed dancing
- gratuitous nature scenes
- extreme close ups
- parachute pants
- hooded white girls
- man spinning on lazy susan
- llama
Check it out.
Sincerely Hipster
By jensen on 22:18You know, it’s hard work being a hipster. It definitely ain’t easy. You have to perfectly sculpt your hair so that it looks perfectly messy/uneven/like shit. You have to crumple your favorite t-shirts so they have just the right amount of wrinkles before you wear them out. You need to spend godless amounts of money on designer jeans with holes in them, sunglasses they used to wear on Saved by the Bell, and furniture made up of plywood and cinder blocks. The point is: it ain’t easy and it ain’t cheap to look perfectly broke. Which is why the only people who could afford to be hipsters were those with the all-important trust fund.
That's right, Nic. People can't afford to dress like this anymore.
Now, imagine my shock and amusement when I was forwarded this article from the NYT. Basically, it tells the harrowing tale of hipsters who have lost their trust funds and financial support due to the difficult economic climate. You know the economy is in the shitter when even hipsters are losing their “jobs”. Do unemployment benefits extend to lost allowance? Because if they don’t, screw all the news about the GM and Chrysler bankruptcies. Someone’s going to have to bail out American Apparel and whatever company puts on ’80s prom-themed parties. Priorities, people!
But seriously, what the hell is going on? I mean, it’s delightfully ironic for rich hipsters to look like they just came back from ‘Nam…a very brightly colored, effeminate ‘Nam. But when hipsters start looking poor because they’ve actually become poor…that’s just depressing. I mean, sincerity and hipsters DO NOT MIX. They better get their shit together.
